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Beautiful literature by Mrs-Freestar-Bul

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Submitted on
July 11, 2012
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    Just about every school morning, my alarm clock violently yanks me out of sleep at 6 o' clock.  I set my alarm -- a radio -- to a station that has no connection, because I prefer being woken up by static from the radio than Danielle's voice on the z100 Morning Show -- not like I have a fondness for either to be the absolute first thing I hear every morning.
     I purposely set the alarm's volume extremely high, and keep my iHome on the other side of my room on my bookshelf.  Otherwise, I'll never leave my bed.  This means that every morning, my eyelids spring open as I throw myself out of bed and fly across the room to turn it off as soon as possible.  My alarm clock scares me.  I have nightmares about the cursed thing.
Here's a typical school morning:
     One second, I am asleep.  In an instant, my alarm is off and my eyes are suddenly open.  Radio static.  Excruciatingly loud.  I fling myself out of bed with as much balance as I would if I were on a pogo stick.  I can never get there fast enough.  I slam my finger on the button, and the egregious noise vanishes.  It is quiet once again -- just as it was several instants ago.  Except for the fact that several instants ago, I was still in bed, my mind still resting and my eyes still closed.  Do I really have to go shower?  My eyes are so heavy, they're bound to roll out of their sockets.  I run my fingers through my hair.  Oh wait -- I can't.  It's too knotty.  Yup, that means I've got to go shower.  Tough luck.  Some mornings, I can get away with that; but not this time.  I remove my tank top and pajama pants and leave the room.  The hallway of our apartment is dark, except for a faint glow from the dining room that tells me my father's awake.  It's less difficult for me to get up in the morning if I'm not the first one up.  Not exactly easier; just less difficult.
     "Temperature?" I yell across the hallway in a hoarse, stinky breath.  I've got to dress properly for the weather.
     "34!" my father shouts back.
     "Penn Station," I mutter to myself as I stumble through the narrow hallway toward the bathroom.  Before I even reach the door, I feel cold air escaping the crack of the bathroom door.  The window has been left open overnight, like always.  I enter the icy room and feel the freezing tiles on my bare feet, which were warm and safe under a blanket several minutes prior.
     Once I shower and get dressed, I'm awake enough to jog the perimeter of Manhattan -- but I don't need to continue getting ready until 7:10. There's only one problem, though. It's 6:22.  So what do I do?  I go back to bed, anyway.  It's best to get more rest, right?  I enter my parents' room and lie down with my mother and my dog.
     The only thing in this wide, wide world that's more horrific than waking up in the morning is doing it twice.  It seems that as soon as I'm just getting into a deep sleep in my parents' comfy bed, with my warm pup curled up by my feet, and the soft blanket draped over my body... it's 7:12, and it's time to lift my freezing, wet head from the soaked pillow, trip over my father's shoes on my way to the door, and squint as I enter the bright hallway to the kitchen.  Waking up is the worst kind of usher into the day, but there's nothing to do about it, because it's the only way.
This is one of the pieces of writing that was published in Silhouettes. The certain example here takes place during winter.

Getting out of bed is Hell every morning. :sleep:

For critique, I'm looking to see how I can improve my future memoirs, because I don't have a lot of experience writing them. What sort of tone do you detect, and does it appeal to you as a reader? Does it match the subject? Also, is this piece interesting enough that you would want to keep reading? Does it get boring?
I guess any sort of critique is helpful, really. c: Thanks!

I critiqued dressed to the nines. by ~neonsquiggle.
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Critique by KOIBEAT Nov 24, 2012, 10:52:31 PM
Hi. I would like to have my perspective weighed in on this memoir here. First i should mention that I'm going to be as honest as possible which is very necessary when you deal with literature drawn directly from one's personal life.

I see this was published but you need to find a way to make yourself unique. I'm sure you could find an approach to writing this that does so. after all it is a more useful skill as a writer to be able to develop any topic into something of a true experience for the reader instead of being driven passionately by a brilliant concept. When i read the first paragraph i seriously wasn't interested much further. You are more interesting than you might realize, you just need to find the right way to communicate it whether it be in the form of a memoir or any other media.

In the first paragraph it is a bit redundant. Just call the alarm your ihome. anyone reading ihome being referred to by it's functions as an alarm clock will recognize that it must be part alarm clock. same goes with calling it a radio or music player, etc. As long as you describe what it is doing the reader will be intelligent enough to do the rest and imagine what it is. If they don't, it is certainly a product they can find easily online. So to be right down to the point: too much unnecessary information which is unacceptable in art

Now after reading this work up to the second paragraph i see that you are fairly skilled at communicating your emotions at specific times which is a plus. But just work on developing your style now to make these words truly yours.

In the third paragraph, instead of using all caps for 'escruciatingly loud' i would just italicise exruciating. It looks much better. Also for the times and radio stations and other numbers, i would italicize those too to help them stick out more

Im not such a big fan of this theme in a memoir but it appears that this was written as some kind of prompt because it comes across as honest, giving details on personal experiences, and because it is a little bland... like you didn't have enough time to fully put your personality into this.

i feel the last sentence had the most impact for me ( a great place for it). I felt for the most part that this wasn't very engaging for me but it kind of brought me back to my middle school days. hopefully i was of some help and insight. and good luck in your future work.
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Pabip Featured By Owner Sep 8, 2012
I wake up to z100's morning show on 100.3

I only do it because some times they do those prank calls that are really hilarious c:
Erudi Featured By Owner Sep 9, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
They're great on that show. C: I laugh my head off listening to them. However, their voices (like anyone's) can be incredibly irritating if it's the absolute first thing I hear in the morning. :o
Pabip Featured By Owner Sep 9, 2012
Oh, for sure. Scott and Todd on 95.5 are even worse.
Omikami-Sama Featured By Owner Jul 11, 2012  Hobbyist Digital Artist
The flow of the story is great. You're am amazing writer, Erudi. Loved it. :heart:
Erudi Featured By Owner Jul 12, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you so much! I appreciate that. :3
Little-Volii Featured By Owner Jul 11, 2012  Hobbyist Digital Artist
The 7th paragraph looks a BUTT LOAD BETTER, BABAH, however, this is still a slight grammar mistake.
Once you fix that, you are freaking the BEST WRITER EVER.
Seriously, this is best-selling-author material in my opinion.

You god damned prodigy.
Erudi Featured By Owner Jul 12, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I fixed it. :3
Little-Volii Featured By Owner Jul 12, 2012  Hobbyist Digital Artist
SuperShadowArt14 Featured By Owner Jul 11, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
"The only thing in this wide, wide world that's more horrific than waking up in the morning is doing it twice."

I think that is the most true thing I have ever heard.

I also must say, that this is the best described morning story I have heard. Even though it wasn't about much, its tremendous.

Mind if I do one of my own?
Erudi Featured By Owner Jul 12, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I know. XD Now that it's summer, I don't have to do that anymore. :P

Thank you! That means a lot to me. Feel free to make your own! I'd be happy to read it. :D Besides, it's not like I patented the idea of writing about getting up in the morning. :XD: You don't have to ask me!
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